Recognizing Passive-Aggressive Behaviour
Passive-aggressive behaviour can be frustrating to deal with because it’s indirect and often disguised as something else. Unlike open conflict, passive aggression expresses anger, resentment, or resistance in subtle, sometimes confusing ways. If you often feel like someone is upset but refuses to address it directly, you may be dealing with passive-aggressive behavior. Here’s how to recognize the signs and handle them effectively.
Signs of Passive-Aggressive Behaviour
Silent Treatment, Sulking and Emotional Withdrawal
Rather than expressing their frustration openly, they might sulk, act moody, or become emotionally distant without explanation. This can look like:
Pouting when they don’t get their way.
Sighing heavily or looking annoyed but refusing to talk about it.
Acting cold or indifferent toward you without saying why.
Ignoring your texts or calls without explanation.
Lack of Enthusiasm for Your Success
A passive-aggressive person may struggle to be happy for you when good things happen in your life. Instead of celebrating your achievements, they might:
Give lukewarm or insincere congratulations.
Withhold praise or give the silent treatment
Make subtle comments that diminish your success (e.g., “Must be nice to have everything handed to you.”).
Gossiping and Subtle Exclusion
Instead of addressing concerns directly, a passive-aggressive person may talk behind your back or subtly exclude you from social interactions. This can look like:
Spreading rumors or making negative comments about you to others.
Leaving you out of group plans while including others.
Acting friendly in person but criticizing you privately
Backhanded Compliments
A backhanded compliment is a disguised insult. Instead of outright criticism, the person makes a statement that sounds positive but actually undermines you. Examples include:
“You’re so brave for wearing that outfit.”
“Wow, I didn’t expect you to do so well on that project.”
Sarcasm with an Edge
Sarcasm can be playful, but when used passive-aggressively, it often carries an underlying criticism. If someone frequently makes snide comments and follows up with “I was just kidding,” they might be using humor to express hidden frustration. Examples include:
“Oh, you actually finished something on time. Impressive.”
“Must be nice to have all that free time.”
Playing the Victim
When confronted, passive-aggressive individuals may shift the blame and portray themselves as the victim. They often defend their actions without acknowledging the impact it had on the other person. They might say things like:
“You’re being a baby, I’m the one who should be mad.”
“I was only trying to help, but I won’t bother next time.”
“You’re always attacking me.”
Subtle Sabotage
Sometimes passive aggression takes the form of small acts of sabotage, often disguised as accidents or incompetence. This can include:
Showing up late on purpose.
Conveniently “forgetting” important commitments or “accidentally” making mistakes that cause inconvenience.
Doing a poor job so they won’t be asked again.
How to Handle Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Rather than playing into the dynamic, call out the behaviour calmly. For example:
“I noticed you seem upset about my decision. Do you want to talk about it?”
“I felt a bit hurt by that comment—was there something you were trying to say?”
If someone consistently acts passive-aggressively, establish firm boundaries about what behaviour you will and won’t tolerate. Individuals who engage in passive aggressive behaviour tend to thrive on emotional reactions. If you stay neutral and don’t engage in their indirect hostility, they may be forced to communicate more directly. If this is someone you have an ongoing relationship with, encourage directness by making it safe to express feelings without fear of judgment or punishment. Keep in mind that not everyone has the capacity to change their communication style overnight, so it's important to manage your expectations and give them the time and space to practice healthier communication. While it may take time and patience to navigate these dynamics, staying firm in your boundaries and promoting open dialogue can reduce conflict and foster a more respectful and honest relationship.
